Hey there. I’m glad you’re here to read about this. It’s not always easy to share personal hardships, so I've been quiet lately. With 2017 coming to a close, I find myself doing a lot of reflecting and also ready to just let go and welcome in a new year with new possibilities. I feel that it is important to be open and transparent in the most authentic way that I can. It helps to talk about the challenging times because we’ve all gone through some; we’re not alone.
Do you remember what was happening in your life around the eclipse in August? It was quite profound for a lot of people I talked to, and indeed it was for me. It was also my Birthday (Aug 17th), which was just days before the solar eclipse on the 21st. Derek and I had quietly been struggling in our relationship for some time prior and I believe it was this merge of events that became the catalyst for me to let go of our relationship. We separated, and it was devastating to say the least. It was not from a loss of love, but rather a healthy decision. This actually made it feel more painful. In many ways, I’m still working through the tough emotions. Shame and guilt were some of the strongest in the beginning.
I ended up moving out of our family home soon after, and very gratefully landed at a friend’s house temporarily.
I’m so very grateful for my farming community as it was Jay of Hearty Fork Farm and his wife, Catherine, who opened their home to me which then led to Nalin and I being welcomed into our current home in Winters. We now live with Jeremy/Farmer Shep and his girlfriend, Kim. I’ve been so humbled by the experience of generosity and feeling lifted up by my community. I’ve not only re-connected with friends, but I’ve been allowing myself more focused attention, which had been lost for a while. I’m so happy that I’ve signed up for a new women’s circle being held by Kirsten Elise. It’s been very empowering and transformative in the way I’ve been able to move through energy. It is also worth mentioning that I am very grateful for Derek and the support he’s provided so far with moving and transitioning despite going though such heartache. We are navigating our new paths now both as individuals and co-parents.
Nalin has been adjusting along with us, and is doing well. We continue to allow him the space and support to feel his emotions and to know he is so well loved. He’s excited about “new house” as he calls our place, and even though there are tough moments, he is naturally happy day after day. It helps that he still has the home he was born at and grew up in while he’s with Derek. The flower farm is also still comforting and familiar, so he’s been able to adjust somewhat easefully to just “mama days” and just “daddio days”.
And so, what does this all mean for my business? I’m at a crossroads where I could either do everything I am physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of to propel my business forward and sustain the life style and career that I love OR I could sink. Obviously, the latter is not an option for me. I’m heading into year three, and so very grateful to have been able grow this business slowly. I’ve been given the gift of being able to be present as a mother to Nalin without any childcare since birth, and also to not have that pressure of needing my business to provide for the family. For this, I truly thank Derek and I also thank all my friends and family who have supported me with flower purchases along the way! I thank some of my first wedding clients who believed in me to execute the flowers of their dreams, even when it was all so new. Because of the amazing support I’ve had along the way, I actually broke even the first year. I’m profiting a bit this year, and next year will be different. I need my business to fully sustain the life I have now.
It’s an exciting time and also a terrifying time for me. I’ve been doing what I can to learn and grow my business. I’ve met with small farms advisors to talk about moving forward and hiring. I’ve invested in Jessica Zimmerman’s Business Behind the Blooms course and that has been deeply helpful for realizing how I can attract the wedding clients I desire to work with. I’ve watched webinar after webinar after webinar of some of the leaders in the industry. I started listening to business podcasts. I’ve been updating my website little by little, and have a running list of goals I want to reach in January. I’m also so incredibly grateful that I’ve been chosen to win a Floret Scholarship, and am thrilled beyond words to dive into the course, which starts in January!
I hope me writing all this has given you a better sense of this path that I am on and has perhaps shed some light on the difficulty of this transition. It has been quite the emotional journey of heartache and loss, moving, still mothering my son and providing him support, farming, and maintaining my business all simultaneously. The point of this post is not to have your sympathy, but rather to connect and honestly share what I’ve been going through. My intention is to be my authentic self in the most genuine way that I can. I want to be transparent for my customers and followers along this journey. It may look like everything is absolutely perfect through the beautiful flowers on Instagram, but the truth is, we’re all human and we’re all going through life which sometimes presents us with challenges. I like to think of myself as a perennial optimist. I can always see the light even in the darkest of challenges. That’s how I know I’ll be okay.
Thanks for reading.