This past year was hard, to put it lightly. 2018 was full of challenges that brought me to my knees, pushed me out of my comfort zone, and forced me to grow. In retrospect, I’m grateful for these challenges, as I am a much stronger person now because of them. I’m a believer that life does not give anyone more than they can handle at any given time.
That being said, some of the challenges I’ve navigated included financial losses and burdens. We had an unexpected frost and hail storm in April after I planted all my summer starts. I lost over half of my crops that I paid another farmer to start for me since I didn’t have a greenhouse. That was a huge set back. Then, my cat had to spend nearly 2 weeks overnight at UC Davis for two unexpected surgeries, which was caused by stress due to moving. I moved several times. That statement sounds simple, but the process of not knowing where I’m going to live, but knowing I have to move and then doing the actual moving with a toddler is SO not easy. One of the places I lived at over the summer I had to evacuate from the Camp Fire. The house was safe (Thank God) and the fire was contained less than a mile from where I was living at the time. The experience of being an evacuee and not knowing whether I would have a home to return to felt like one of my worst, most vulnerable points in my life. I had no control over this other than how I handled my own emotions.
To put the cherry on top of everything, I was asked to leave the farm. The place I had been growing flowers for the last three years. I had built up the soil beautifully, but it was more than that. The farm was my sanctuary. While I was moving constantly, trying to find the right home for my son and I, the farm remained our constant home away from home. To lose this was devastating to say the least.
If any of you follow astrology, this was the year I entered my Saturn return. It makes total sense that I was shaken and moved in order to re-align on my true path. It was painful and challenging, but the point of this post is not to have a pity party. I did enough of that for myself in 2018. I’m simply reflecting on what was real and what these forces were that forced me to grow and get to know myself on a much deeper level. Honestly, looking back, I have nothing but gratitude.
It would also be foolish of me not to re-count the amazing things that happened in 2018. For life is a balance, and for every sour experience, there is a sweet one following (if you let it). I found love again in the spring of 2018. I almost didn’t allow it for myself, but I’m so glad I did. This man I am dating has been the best gift I received this entire past year. He stood by my side and helped me navigate these challenging waters with calmness and compassion. He brought me back to reality and re-assured me throughout the countless times I’ve felt ungrounded. He’s helped me both physically and mentally, and held space for me in love and light. I’m so grateful for him and to continue loving this beautiful soul.
Another highlight was finding my new place and my new farm! This is also something my man helped me manifest. Because I had to move, and because I knew I needed a new place to farm in 2019, I was convinced that I could find a place for BOTH my home and my business. I did! It took a while and learning to say no to a lot of opportunities, but finally I landed here. I moved in October, and sowed a cover crop before our first rain in late November. Since, I’ve been working on moving out of my old farm.
And where did Nalin fall into all of this? Well, he turned 3 in March 2018 and it turns out, three has been the most challenging year for him (and the parents). There was no such thing as the “terrible twos” with Nalin. He was such a joyful two year old! However, when he turned three is when he started asserting his independence and having tantrums on the regular. Of course, the constant up-rooting and moving didn’t help. His Dad also had to move twice. Thankfully, we’re both settled now for the foreseeable future and Nalin is growing into a respectful, loving little guy. He’s been enjoying his Waldorf pre-school immensely and his father and I are both committed to being the best parents we can be. We’re always assessing ourselves, observing Nalin, and adjusting as necessary.
I’m ready to embody and move into this next phase of life. 2019 will be the year of opportunities and more growth. If you follow Tarot, last year in 2018, was the year of the hermit for me. I was very introspective and kept to myself. I grew A LOT within myself and got to know myself deeper than I imagined. I worked through old conditioning and patterns. I released unhealthy thoughts and actions and learned how to navigate challenges in healthy, positive ways.
It’s great to look back and realize the lows and highlights, but my focus is not staying there. I’m stepping into a new reality and a new way of living. I have dreams, aspirations, and goals this year to focus on.
Now this year, 2019, is the year of The Wheel of Fortune for me. This could not be better or timelier! Apparently, the wheel of fortune year means I will have luck on my side in every aspect of life… love, relationships, business, etc. New opportunities will come my way and I will experience even more growth! Of course every card has a flip side and this could mean the total exact opposite for me. However, I’m trusting in my intuition and I truly do feel aligned. I don’t feel like there’s much more “shaking” that needs to be done here. Regardless, balance will be key for me. Learning how to truly balance my relationships, my work, my parenting, and my self care so that I can continue to be aligned and on my highest path!
On New Years Eve, I chose to do some journaling and meditation. I wrote a list of intentions. This is different than “resolutions”. I never liked that word. Instead, I chose to have intentions. There is a subtle shift there, but a powerful one. With resolutions, if I don’t accomplish them, I am bound to feel guilty and uninspired. With intentions, I am simply stating what I would like without any pressure attached whatsoever. So, a few of my intentions (in no particular order) are:
- Trust in my intuition, my inner knowing as well as the Divine
- Welcome and Accept Support
- Let go of Fears, Worries, Doubt
- Breath through Anxiety
- Re-center/Continue to call my energy back to myself
- Honor my Body and my Needs
- Prioritize Nalin
- Share Abundance
- Deepen Friendships
- Regular Meditation and Yoga
- Entertain New Opportunities
- Clear out Patterns/Thoughts of un-worthiness
I feel pretty happy with these intentions and like they’re totally within reach. I’ve also been feeling into a particular word that I want to embody for that year and that word is: Trust.
I’m looking forward to this New Year and experiencing what’s in store. I also invite you to ask yourself, what are some of your new intentions?
With love and light,